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8.4 Million New Yorkers Suddenly Realize New York City A Horrible Place To Live 'We're Getting The Hell Out Of This Sewer,' Entire Populace Reports

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September 09, 2010 – Comments (4)

NEW YORK—At 4:32 p.m. Tuesday, every single resident of New York City decided to evacuate the famed metropolis, having realized it was nothing more than a massive, trash-ridden hellhole that slowly sucks the life out of every one of its inhabitants.

With audible murmurs of "This is no way to live," "What the hell am I doing here—I hate it here," and "F-ck this place. F-ck this horrible place," all 8.4 million citizens in each of the five boroughs packed up their belongings and told reporters they would rather blow their brains out with a shotgun than spend another waking moment in this festering cesspool of filth and scum and sadness.

The rest is here:

http://www.theonion.com/articles/84-million-new-yorkers-suddenly-realize-new-york-c,18003/

 

4 Comments – Post Your Own

#1) On September 09, 2010 at 2:17 AM, HarryCarysGhost (99.69) wrote:

Since it's Football season just wanted to emphasize this-

AFC WestDenver Broncos

 

Strength: Excellent cornerbacks and safeties will provide sure tackling of running backs who are eluding the defensive front seven and rushing untouched into the secondaryWeakness: Keep trading for other teams' shitty quarterbacksPlayer To Watch: Brady Quinn should have an interesting year, as he has been vigorously studying the Denver phone book

 

Intangibles: Whole team is going to see Phil Lesh and Bob Weir at Red Rocks after its week-three loss to the ColtsOakland Raiders

 

Strength: Just nice to see them outside getting some fresh airWeakness: As a team, every single player on this roster fucking sucksPlayer To Watch: Quarterback Jason Campbell is an experienced loser and is not going to mope around and act all depressed when team loses eight or nine straight gamesBiggest Question: If Tom Cable isn't fired during or after the season, will Al Davis get rid of him by drowning him in the Gatorade container?San Diego Chargers

 

Strength: Unmatched at dominating the competition all season long and then dramatically losing in their first playoff gameWeakness: Nate Kaeding purposely kicks field goals wide right or left, as he hates footballIntangibles: Injuries on both sides of the ball continue to hurt the Chargers as players get stabbed with the points or slam the wide part into their facesBiggest Question: Is this the year Shaun Phillips and Shawne Merriman get a consistent spelling on their first names?Kansas City Chiefs

 

Strength: Quarterback Matt Cassel feels satisfied whether receivers catch or drop his passes; easy schedule as team plays seven games in the CFL this seasonWeakness: Offense continues to struggle when trying to huddle up, with most of the players being overpowered and ending up on the groundPlayer To Watch: In need of a solid season to become a potential holdout, wide receiver Dwayne Bowe is finally trying a littleBiggest Question: Will new offensive coordinator Charlie Weis actually explode after a big lunch? Report this comment
#2) On September 09, 2010 at 9:31 AM, Valyooo (99.45) wrote:

I lived in nyc my whole life and am pretty sick of it (though philly is worse).  They tax everything, they make everything illegal, and ive been pulled over and had my car searched by narcs twice for 1) Driving with my lights off  2) Idling my engine in a parked spot.

That is absolutely unacceptable.  It is impossible to get a gun permit, fireworks are illegal, cigs are $12.50 a pack (i dont smoke but still).  

Banning salt?  Taxing nondiet soda (even though diet is worse for you)?   Give me a break

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#3) On September 09, 2010 at 3:13 PM, HarryCarysGhost (99.69) wrote:

~My quote was from the Oninion.

Well... you could come to Chicago, but if you looked at the balance sheet... you would'nt.

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#4) On September 09, 2010 at 11:02 PM, ChrisGraley (29.75) wrote:

Rather than have 8.4 million people leave, wouldn't it be easier to just kick out devoish?

Relax devoish, it's a joke.

Stop trying to call up Oprah!

If you leave peacefully, we promise we'll let you tax something in the new  location and let you use to proceeds to create a totally new layer of government for something really important like masturbating hamsters. We can't have all these hamsters going blind!

 

 

 

 

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