June 12, 2007 –
As if I needed more proof that the Internet/world is out to get me, CAPS has turned on me. Yes, I know what you're thinking, how could I, the financial genius, go from "One Day Hottest Player" to among the worst on the site? Well it's mostly the massive conspiracy against me, but I'll admit that some of my picks did go south. This has led to my latest epiphany: The S&P 500 is unbeatable. I made the best possible picks, and even I couldn't do it. My advice is to just give up.
Therefore, I suggest everyone take their money out of the market, and invest it in something actually worth your time and money. I'm doing this with my own retirement account, and I'll share with you my top 3 investment strategies:
1. Lottery Tickets. Most people don't win the lottery because they don't do the math, and they don't put enough money into it. PowerBall, for example, has 6 balls numbered 1-55. According to my calculations, I have a 1 / (6 * 55) = 1 in 330 chance of winning. Now, this might seem like bad odds, but if I buy 100 $1 tickets for every drawing, I should hit the $50 million jackpot after 4 or 5 tries! That's a pretty good return on a $400 investment.
2. Nigerian Financial Opportunities. This one is somewhat of a hard investment to get into, because you need to be contacted by someone from Nigeria to get started (Nigerian Foreign Interest League Chairman Dr. Richard Umtabe contacted me personally through email). That's the hard part though, after that all you have to do is sit back and watch the cash roll in. Apparently, there is a lot of red tape involved in the Nigerian banking system, so they will pay a lot to have an American investor help them out with bank transfers. I've already sent them my banking information and paid the small transfer setup fee (more Nigerian red tape), so it looks like this investment is about to pay off big for me. There's even talk that I might get to fly to Nigeria to meet them personally!
3. Prayer. This is one of the best investment strategies, because you can get started with literally no money. As with any investment, diversification is important. I would suggest praying to several gods and/or goddesses to really increase your heavenly cashflow. My advice is to stay away from praying to any evil or satanic entities, however, because you may end up in a "be careful what you wish for" situation. Evil forces (genies especially) tend to grant your wish, but with some sort of ironic twist. This turns out to be more of a hassle than its worth, because you usually end up having to use the last wish to cancel out all of the previous wishes. [more]
June 06, 2007 –
30 points up, the day's hottest player. Who's dumb now? How about everyone else on CAPS! [more]
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