Use access key #2 to skip to page content.

Recs

10

Today's Funny

September 29, 2008 – Comments (4)

Duck Food...

A duck walks into a bar and says "Do you have duck food here?"  [more]

Recs

8

Today's Funny

September 25, 2008 – Comments (1)

Why I Can't Come to Work Today...

If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.  [more]

Recs

14

Today's Funny

September 24, 2008 – Comments (3)

  MILITARY TIME 

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.  Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. 
Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the
last time you had sex?"

The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!


I mean, no sex since 1955!   She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure
didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice,


"I hope not, it's only 2130 now."



  [more]

Recs

15

Today's Funny

September 22, 2008 – Comments (0)

Deductive Reasoning...  [more]

Recs

14

Today's Funny

September 19, 2008 – Comments (1)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and Why?
Answer:
"I would not live forever, because we should not
live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever,
then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever,
which is why I would not live forever,"

--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

``````````````````````````````````

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids
all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love
to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and
death and stuff."

Mariah Carey


````````````      

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very
important part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become
Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign
.

`````````````````````````````````````````````````


"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"    
--Winston Bennett,
University of Kentucky basketball forward
.

`````````````````````````````````````````````


"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the
lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.


`````````````````````````````


"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through
our papers. We are the president."
--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of
subpoenaed documents.


````````````````````````````````````````````````````

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death
by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas
.

````````````````````````````

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark


``````````````````````````````````

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's
the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that
may or may not occur."

--Al Gore, Vice President



```````````````````


"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix "
--Dan Quayle

``````````



"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much

clean air do we need?"

 --Lee Iacocca


```````````



"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A
genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.


````````````````````````````````````````````


"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude
certain types of people."

--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor

`````````````````````````````````




"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come
from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery


````````````````

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective
March 1992 because we received notice that
you passed away. May God bless you. You may
reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina



````````````````````````````````````````````


"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack
in at night as they go to bed, and it will monitor their
heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when
they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
  [more]

Featured Broker Partners


Advertisement