Santa to Cut 75,000 Jobs!
December 12, 2008
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Sadly, news came in toady from the north poll that Santa Claus a.k.a. “Big Nick” as he is known by his employees will be laying off 75,000 elves this holiday season. The elves who only work for room and board are outraged. Santa told reporters today that American’s unwillingness to charge thousands of dollars to credit cards this holiday season drastically dropped the share price of his 401K.
Earlier this month, Santa sold all of his shares of VXF and bought shares of Visa (V) hoping that the market would quickly recover. He figured that he could personally infuse more capital into the credit markets in hopes to boost consumer confidence and spending. So far, it hasn’t work. Year to date Santa has lost nearly 80% of his net wealth. For years Santa has used his retirement money to fund his “anonymous” charitable giving every year on the 24th of December.
Santa said the job cuts where necessary to continue operations. He doesn’t believe it will slow down production in any way since elves are very workers that don’t require much sleep. “Everyone is just going to have to work doubles this year,” Bitsy the elf told Daretoth News. “We just have to consider ourselves lucky to still have jobs and food to eat.”
The 75,000 elves have reportedly staged a massive sit-in outside of the factory. This would be dangerous for humans as the temperature can reach downwards of -68C but then elves are not affected by the cold. Elves though are a great deal like hobbits and eat around nine meals a day and they will not last long without food.
We caught up with one of the protestors Grimy the elf and got his reaction. “I’m pretty hungry, you know, but uh, Big Nick is a good guy and we are confident that he will bring us back on before we all starve.”
Santa was reached today and had this comment: “They need to seek employment elsewhere. I can’t be held responsible if they starve themselves. I am only taking these cost cutting measures so that I can continue operations this winter. Food prices are through the roof. I just can’t feed them all anymore, and I can’t let North Poll Industries go under it would be detrimental to the world economy. If we shut down, hope dies in the world and consumer confidence would be utterly crushed.”
We asked Santa if this was the only way. He told us that his credit was “whack” since his only operating income is from the stock market and that he couldn’t get a loan from anywhere in the world.
When President Elect Obama heard the news he was stunned and told reporters “We, as Americans need to pull together. We can’t let this happen. We have to get Santa a bailout!”
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