In reading about the latest goings-on at Amazon in a recent Businessweek article, "The Company That Ate the World", it seems clear that they are fast becoming, or have all ready become, the digital Wal-Mart, rampaging everything in their path in the name of low prices and convenient shopping. The company has been accused of providing miserable conditions for workers, with workers claiming to toil in sweatshop-like conditions.
This gets me thinking. Since Amazon is likely to be the biggest dog in retail for decades to come, and since gigantic warehouse/distribution centers are likely to be the places where the majority of American workers work, it is time for Amazon to take over the American public education system, especially in the inner cities and struggling rural communities where opportunities are limited. If workers were properly trained, they would not complain so much. The truth is America is in danger of having a whine-force when what we need is a workforce.
Consider this: If some kid lives in a crime-infested inner city community where crime is rampant, or some miserable rural community where toothless hillbillies think trucks driving around in circles is a sport (as opposed to traffic), that kid does not need to learn the mysteries of mathematics, the miracle of biology or the sheer genius of our forefathers and their brilliant use of checks and balances to prevent tyranny. These things will not help him put food on the table.
What the modern disadvantaged kid needs to know is how to get things to consumers. Our nation is dedicated, at its utmost core, to the idea that individuals have a right to pursue happyness. And nothing makes people happier than getting anything and everything we want as quickly as possible without having to expend a microscopic ounce of energy to get it.
The company best sutied to train future workers of the world is clearly Amazon. This is why Amazon must take over our struggling inner city and rural school systems. Rather than force Amazon to pay taxes - which would threaten bargains-at-high-speed, let them take over struggling schools. This will reduce crime, expand opportunity for future workers and spread happyness throughout the world.
Here's what the curriculum at Amazon Polytech will look like...
1. Standing 101 - Master the basic art of standing. For hours and hours and hours.
2. Put My Sh*t in Boxes - Students learn to take sh*t off an assembly line and put it neatly in a box.
3. Don't Break My Sh*t - Students learn to insert bubble wrap so they don't break my sh*t. I am really excited to get that sh*t. I paid good money for that sh*t and the pain and suffering I would go through if it arrived broken would be unbearable.
4. Close the ****ing Box -Students learn to neatly tape the box shut and do it nice so I don't have to work too hard to open it. One pull and fffzzzip the whole box should pop open.
5. Push My Sh*t to the Loading Dock - Students learn to master cart pushing. (Forward only)
6. Shut Up - Workers who complain or worse, try to unite with other workers to score a "living" wage threaten bargains at high speed for all. A noble worker is a quiet worker. Students will stand in a room, not talking. For hours and hours and hours. I don't want to hear it. It makes me feel terrible about my bargains-at-high-speed. That makes me UNhappy. And I have a RIGHT as an American to pursue happyness. I do not want to hear it. So shut the **** up.
I truly believe that any young person - or even middle-aged jobless yukkel seeking re-training - would gain increased confidence, exceptional clarity and the skills needed to meaningfully contribute to the world at large - by enrolling and graduating from Amazon Polytech.