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Drunken Ben Bernanke Tells Everyone At Neighborhood Bar How Screwed U.S. Economy Really Is

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August 03, 2011 – Comments (11)

SEWARD, NE—Claiming he wasn't afraid to let everyone in attendance know about "the real mess we're in," Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke reportedly got drunk Tuesday and told everyone at Elwood's Corner Tavern about how absolutely f'd the U.S. economy actually is.

Bernanke, who sources confirmed was "totally sloshed," arrived at the drinking establishment at approximately 5:30 p.m., ensconced himself upon a bar stool, and consumed several bottles of Miller High Life and a half-dozen shots of whiskey while loudly proclaiming to any patron who would listen that the economic outlook was "pretty goddamned awful if you want the God's honest truth."

"Look, they don't want anyone except for the Washington, D.C. bigwigs to know how bad s**t really is," said Bernanke, slurring his words as he spoke. "Mounting debt exacerbated—and not relieved—by unchecked consumption, spiraling interest rates, and the grim realities of an inevitable worldwide energy crisis are projected to leave our entire economy in the shitter for, like, a generation, man, I'm telling you."

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11 Comments – Post Your Own

#1) On August 03, 2011 at 6:56 PM, Jbay76 (< 20) wrote:

OK, I'll bite though I totally expect a onion article after I click on the link

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#2) On August 03, 2011 at 6:59 PM, Jbay76 (< 20) wrote:

I'm a little bumed there wasn't a bar-room brawl of some sort.......

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#3) On August 03, 2011 at 7:01 PM, Frankydontfailme (27.30) wrote:

Funny article though. Drunk Bernanke is eerily similar to an honest person...

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#4) On August 03, 2011 at 7:43 PM, HarryCarysGhost (99.68) wrote:

Yeah, that sounds about right.

But if you examine the picture he clearly is drinking a BUD not a miller product (yech).

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#5) On August 03, 2011 at 8:33 PM, workfor (< 20) wrote:

I just love satiracle bed time stories!

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#6) On August 04, 2011 at 1:27 AM, awallejr (81.55) wrote:

Nice try on the look alike. 

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#7) On August 04, 2011 at 2:25 AM, NOTvuffett (< 20) wrote:

I was a bit disappointed that 'the Bernake' didn't offer to buy a round for the whole bar after whipping out a huge wad of cash and exclaim 'I've got huge warehouses full of this stuff", lol.

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#8) On August 04, 2011 at 9:21 AM, Turfscape (42.51) wrote:

God bless the Onion!

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#9) On August 04, 2011 at 10:51 AM, SweetMircha (87.24) wrote:

Ah, that is a really good writeup. It takes me right back to Edson, Alberta at Ernie O's Pub back in the late 80's to the early 90's.  Are you sure Bernanke's not from Alberta originally; he sounds just like one of several of my motel's oil crew worker guests. Old memories resurfacing.

Love that Onion report.

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#10) On August 04, 2011 at 2:28 PM, dollarvaluemenu (37.86) wrote:

If Bernanke challenges you to a game of quarters, I suggest you respectfully decline. The guy is a legend at drinking games.

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#11) On August 04, 2011 at 6:04 PM, jesusfreakinco (28.92) wrote:

Bernank needs to be tarred and feathered...

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