Goldman Sach's Forms 'Banker's Battalion' from it's own employees.
With President Obama calling for an additional 34,000 troops in Afghanistan, Goldman Sach's CEO Lloyd Blankfein has decided to answer The President's call and redeploy his army of employees to the battlefields of Afghanistan. "We don't need them anyway, all they do is come in early to turn on the HFT Machines and drink coffee all day long." In a widely published article in which Blankfein claims that Goldman Sach's is doing 'God's work', the 'renegadeie' CEO has decided that it is time for Goldman Sachs to instead spend it's Bonus Money on new tank tops and speedos for the troops they will be sending from amongst their own ranks. Rumor has it that Goldie Hawn (Private Benjamin) will be in charge of all of the arrangements, including the selection of fashion designers for the Troop's ensemble (Versace is rumoured to have the inside line, but Victoria's Secret is campaigning on the BUY American pitch and may have a chance as well). In addition to the battle fatigues, the Goldman Sach's Battalion will be armed with pez dispensers, that while appearing to be delicious candies, are instead a deadly mix of week old brie cheese covered in chocolate, a perfect recipe to defeat the battle hardened Talibani Soldier, who at this point will eat practically anything.
Not to be outdone, Jamie Dimon at JP Morgan is considering what he might come up with in terms of Troop Strength, tactics and firepower for his forces. With slighly less cash on hand than Goldman Sachs, Dimon might have to be more inventive, preferring stale bread howitzer rounds laced with Pepto Bismol (a presumed red herring attack in answer to the brie cheese and chocolate barrage launched by Goldman Sachs) mixed with arsenic, as turning the trick for his side.
This, all in a day of doing 'God's Work' in America.
Rumour has had it for many, many months now that Merck & Co. has already been in Battle in Afghanistan, preferring the low key approach as it's army of Salesman are busy distributing all of the recalled HIB and HIB Hep B Vaccines in a previous announced Humanitarian Effort in the Region. Merck CEO Dick Clark was so pleased at being able to unload millions of Capsules of Vioxx in the previously successful Iraqi Campaign, that moving on to Afghanistan was merely the natural extention to the continuing high demand in the Region for fatal medicines. "It sure beats doing the 'Rockin New Year's Eve Show' of the last several decades." said Clark in a rare outburst of excitement and enthusiasm.
In a separate announcement, Mayor Bloomberg of NYC has successfully contracted with Pakistan to accept the still adrift Fleet of NYC Garbage Barges and has entered into an agreement to dump the contents in the SWAT region of Pakistan. The Pakistani's are hoping to use the refuse of the Garbage Barges as a covering for the mass graves in the SWAT Region as an incentive to keep the people and reporters away from visiting these areas and digging up evidence.