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How can I turn myself into a systemic risk?



March 09, 2009 – Comments (8) | RELATED TICKERS: C , AIG


I need some help from the CAPS community.  I am considering attempting to turn myself into a systemic risk so that the government has no alternative but to shovel piles of money at me or risk the complete collapse of the financial system.  Heck, it's worked great for AIG and Citi so far, so why not me.

The question is how can I accomplish this?  My idea is to open a million credit card accounts and then use that money for cash advances that I will deposit into an account which I will lever up as much as possible.  At that point I will use the money to make all sorts of risky bets with as many companies as possible.  Who cares if they will eventually work out in my favor.  If I do this right and they don't, I'll be too big to fail and Uncle Sam will have to come to my rescue.  Of course, I will do all of this through a corporation that I plan on forming so I have no personal liability at all.  Along the way, I'll pay myself huge bonuses as long as I can before this scheme blows up because hey once I have the money there's no way for anyone to get it back.

What do you think?  Does anyone have any other ideas on how I can make myself too big to fail?  I need to get me some of those fancy rugs and garbage cans so I'm willing to try anything.


8 Comments – Post Your Own

#1) On March 09, 2009 at 10:52 AM, Imperial1964 (94.20) wrote:

You need to write Credit Default Swaps to get the kind of unsupervised leverage you are looking for.

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#2) On March 09, 2009 at 10:57 AM, whereaminow (< 20) wrote:

Exactly. Don't forget to bundle your riskiest and most likely worthless assets into attractive securities. Sell these back to yourself and then mark their inflated asset prices on your balance sheets. Then you can use this newfound leverage to convince Tom Gardner, Richard Gibbons and TMFDiogenes that bailing you out is absolutely necessary!!!!!!!!

David in Qatar

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#3) On March 09, 2009 at 11:36 AM, motleyanimal (38.15) wrote:

Consume everything in sight: red meat, beer, Pop Tarts, Oxycontin, KFC, and buy some XXXL sweat suits. Become too big to fail.

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#4) On March 09, 2009 at 11:58 AM, carcassgrinder (33.21) wrote:


good point, if you become fat of the major cable networks will do a reality show about you....your recovery will be subsidized, and you will be well paid...and then you can write books and capitalize off the experience for the rest of your life.  I suggest having your recovery sponsored by Subway, or Weight Watchers so you can be marketed through commercials after your recovery.   

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#5) On March 09, 2009 at 2:01 PM, Rehydrogenated (33.69) wrote:

You should also create a list of psychopaths that you can have "elected" to important offices (you can pay for the offices by giving the wives/mistresses of current politicians "jobs"). That way no one blinks at the fact the bailout is far more than your company could ever hope to have been worth. 

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#6) On March 09, 2009 at 11:15 PM, dexion10 (27.05) wrote:

Great Idea!

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#7) On March 10, 2009 at 5:27 AM, DaretothREdux (52.36) wrote:


Your my hero.

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#8) On March 10, 2009 at 9:28 AM, outoffocus (23.92) wrote:

What you do is you take all that money you've levered to the hilt and use it to make loans to all the people who are in foreclosure or at the threat of foreclosure right now.  Have them use the loan to pay their current mortgage and credit cards bills.  Only charge them 1% interest for the next 3 years, requiring them to only pay 1% of the balance per month. Then jack up the interest to 12%.  Then when the whole thing blows up in a couple years blame it all on the Obama foreclosure rescue plans.  The next president (most likely a republican) will blame the whole thing on the previous president and bail you out.  Problem solved....

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