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How to Retire TODAY!



November 06, 2009 – Comments (28) | RELATED TICKERS: ENDRQ , T

How to Double the Money

No matter who you are or what your income, you can retire today. Here's how:

The Fed recently said it will leave interest rates unchanged at 0.00% to 0.25%. Helicopter Ben believes their is a low danger of inflation due to high unemployment. Let's pretend for a moment that inflation is not strictly a monetary phenomenon and could simply be defined as "an increase in the money supply." Don't worry that the money supply has actually doubled. Just put your faith in Old Ben.

How to Retire Without Money

First, drive/fly/walk/run to your local Federal Reserve Bank, or go straight to the source in Washington, DC. Ask to talk to Ben. Tell him Dare sent you. Tell him that you understand how tough these economic times are, and that you want to do him a favor. Due to the lack of liquidity in the credit market you are going to help out the biggest of all "too-big-to-fail" banks. All he needs to do is give you a $1,000,000,000 loan at 0.00% interest. Heck, if you have bad credit you will even settle for the 0.25% rate.

In the Citi!

Now take your billion and head down to the nearest Citibank. Tell that you would like to make a deposit. I suspect the conversation will go a little like this:

Teller: Hi. Welcome to Citi. How can I help you.

You: I would like to open a savings account.

Teller: Excellent! How much would you like to deposit?

You: (pinky finger held at corner of mouth) One billion dollars!

Teller: Very funny sir.

You: (Show them your Federal Reserve check signed by Ben) Here you go.

Teller: (Mouth agape.) Let me get my manager.

Commercial Break

Living Off the Interest

Just a quick glance at Citi's current savings account rates shows that their Ultimate Savings Account (which you will certainly qualify for....) pays an annual interest of 1.19%. Which means if you had good credit and got the 0.00% interest loan you are now making $19 million/year on the interest alone, and if you got the 0.25% (cause you had bad credit) you are making a measly $9.4 million. Either way you should be able to retire to the life of luxary.

Doin' Nothin', Nothin' Doin'

While you are sitting on the beach somewhere sipping on an Italian Margarita you may start to wonder at this magic money trick, and how fractional reserve banking and fiat money managed to steal from the poor to give to the wealthy, but put that out of your mind. Instead, think about how cool a trick it is to be able to make money from nothing and to get your chicks for free!

After all, you have just injected a billion dollars liquidity back into the markets into a struggling bank that was really pressed for cash. They can now loan that money out to small business owners at exhorbitant rates. The streets will flow with money again. House prices will rise forever. Buffet will buy an entire Railroad!

Don't worry that you didn't actually add any real production to the economy. Forget the fact that you didn't have to work for an honest dollar like the common man. You are a member of the elite now. And when billions of dollars are involved you can afford not to have conscience.

Just remember that the Fed and all the banks they lend to have been getting away with the exact same practice for years now.


28 Comments – Post Your Own

#1) On November 06, 2009 at 10:17 AM, DaretothREdux (50.88) wrote:

"Standard" Disclaimer: Comments, questions, rebuttle, arguement, actual or pretend debate, fist fights, and recs are all allowed on my blog. I appreciate recs. They make me smile. This was satire and written for purposes of laughter and learning all in one.


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#2) On November 06, 2009 at 10:26 AM, PeteysTired (< 20) wrote:


I would love to give an extra rec for the reference "be able to make money from nothing and to get your chicks for free!"

So my question to Fed Reserve supporters or the people that want to maintain Fed Reserve "independence" why does the Fed Reserve get all the power to decide who can become rich?  Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

Why is the common man/woman stuck with deflation/inflation and they don't? 

Thanks for letting me rant Dare.  I will go back to my little world and hope for the day that many of my bretheren start asking the same questions.

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#3) On November 06, 2009 at 10:33 AM, bigpeach (< 20) wrote:

1.19%. Which means if you had good credit and got the 0.00% interest loan you are now making $19 million/year on the interest alone

$11.9 million. Minus 35% tax to feed the machine it's $7.7 million. Better borrow $2 billion to be safe. Caviar ain't cheap you know.

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#4) On November 06, 2009 at 10:34 AM, DaretothREdux (50.88) wrote:


Feel free to rant on my blog anytime. The argument I got the other day was "someone has to control monetary policy" and "things were much worse before the Fed and leaving the gold standard."

Even if any of that were true. It would not excuse the immorality of the Fed as an entity.


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#5) On November 06, 2009 at 10:39 AM, catoismymotor (< 20) wrote:

I'm currently checking the cost of airfare to DC! This idea is crazy enough to work.

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#6) On November 06, 2009 at 10:44 AM, whereaminow (< 20) wrote:

Very well done! That Aimee Allen song is great.

David in Qatar

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#7) On November 06, 2009 at 10:49 AM, DaretothREdux (50.88) wrote:


LOL. Good point. Retirement without caviar might as well be work.


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#8) On November 06, 2009 at 10:56 AM, DaretothREdux (50.88) wrote:


You better hurry. I mean, Old Ben and I are on good terms and my name goes a long way, but I suspect he wont do this deal for too many people. He would be afraid of too much inflation!



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#9) On November 06, 2009 at 11:06 AM, DaretothREdux (50.88) wrote:


I loved watching her live at the kick off of the Campaign 4 Liberty! She's awesome, hot, intelligent....hard to go wrong there.


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#10) On November 06, 2009 at 12:00 PM, DaretothREdux (50.88) wrote:


I really appreciate all the recs everyone. I believe that is the fastest I have ever been lauched into the top spot on the most recommended of the day list.

Thanks X 24 + future reccers,


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#11) On November 06, 2009 at 12:17 PM, QualityPicks (55.99) wrote:

Loved it. Thanks for the good laugh!

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#12) On November 06, 2009 at 12:22 PM, thongpatrol (< 20) wrote:


i don't quit understand your rant.  the fed didn't create the problem. they are trying to fix it thru a pretty clever way.  i don't think we want politicians directing fed policy.  heck, they are the ones who put us on the brink of disaster.  blame them, not the fed.  listen to Bloomberg radio.  btw, the fed is making billions off of these loans to the banks.  remember, it was the republicans who had the massive bailout and from what i read, it was needed.  i don't think ron paul knows much about banking or foreign policy.  (his election platform is not looking wise).  china wanted the bailout more than anyone.  they didn't want to see their investment tank.  

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#13) On November 06, 2009 at 12:35 PM, DaretothREdux (50.88) wrote:


the fed didn't create the problem.


So....what do you call artifically injecting too much money/debt/credit into an economy? Do you believe that market interest rates would be at 0% or 0.25%?

My point is clearly not since you and I can't get a loan at that rate.

Here's the best analogy I can give you (props go to Ron Paul):

The Fed is like a father that has a credit card with no limit. He gives that credit card to his teenage child (the US gov't) and doesn't pay any attention to what he does with it.

It's not the teen's money (he didn't have to work for it), so he doesn't care if its wasted, after all, he's having a good time down in Cancun, living it up, partying, drinking, getting in fights, blowing up other people's property, even killing some of them.

The only reason he is able to do this and not be bankrupt is that daddy's card has no limit!

Only it's really even worse than all that. Cause Daddy's credit card is tied into the purchasing power of everyone who holds the USD. Every dollar that stupid teenager spends makes your money worth less.

The Fed is clearly the problem. Without a lender of last resort, the stupid would fail.


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#14) On November 06, 2009 at 12:56 PM, chk999 (99.96) wrote:

You realized that fractional reserve banking goes back to at least the 1860's?

You really need to read Lombard Street by Walter Bagehot to see why we need fractional reserve banking and why that requires a lender of last resort. You can call the lender of last resort the Fed or the central bank or whatever you want, but there is going to be one.

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#15) On November 06, 2009 at 1:10 PM, DaretothREdux (50.88) wrote:


Sorry to me that argument is a little like saying: you realize slavery goes all the way back to 6000 B.C., right?

You really need to read the (insert acient text here) by Many Authors to see why we need slavery and why that requires taking right away from some people to make other people's lives better. You can call it slavery or serfdom or whatever you want, but there is going to be one.


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#16) On November 06, 2009 at 1:19 PM, starbucks4ever (87.71) wrote:

A very practical and viable plan, but in the grand scheme of things, retail investor DeretothRedux is very expendable. The scheme has no need for this specific individual. We can easily replace him with someone who will look more respectable, for instance, Lloyd Blankfein.

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#17) On November 06, 2009 at 1:27 PM, MustBNuts (33.48) wrote:


What a great screen name!  I can't say the same thing about your comment, though.


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#18) On November 06, 2009 at 1:30 PM, SkinneeJ (28.76) wrote:

Do I still get my cash for clunkers and first time home buyers credit?  I would lose such a good thing...

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#19) On November 06, 2009 at 1:30 PM, DaretothREdux (50.88) wrote:

correction: taking rights (as in with a S) away from some people to make other people's lives better


The more of what you write I read, the more I like you.


Heh. Lol.


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#20) On November 06, 2009 at 1:42 PM, DaretothREdux (50.88) wrote:


Yes. In the tradition of big gov't interventionism and price fixing you will continue to recieve Cash 4 Cars, Cash 4 Houses, Cash 4 Kids, Cash 4 Gold, Cash 4 Big Screen TVs, Cash 4 Cash, and everyone's favorite, Cash 4 Paris Hilton Memorabilia!


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#21) On November 06, 2009 at 2:05 PM, nzsvz9 (< 20) wrote:


Another good thought-provoking bit of fun.

The argument for the Federal Reserve is made by many. Some have an interest in the current system (politicians, bankers et. al.) while others believe the "truth" dispensed by the same, while others - albeit possibly skeptical - want to think that our leaders have our interests in mind, while some others have neither the interest or inclination to look into alternatives other than the status quo, while I presume others would just rather not know.

Americans are rarely as of one mind or purpose -- even the war of independence had loyalists to the crown hoping to keep British rule. And our current state of mass confusion is no different today than 225 or so years ago. Yet, when the moment comes, as in reading this satirical post, I would think that some people would awaken, and find themselves hooked up to and feeding the machine. (Thanks to "The Matrix" for the visuals on this one).

I think back to my own awakening. I read the "Creature from Jekyll Island" and "The Unseen Hand". There has been no turning back since. I talk to my liberal and conservative friends, and ask them the tough questions like: "Why isn't the Federal Reserve part of the government?" "Why do we need someone to 'set' interest rates?" and "Why does our money say 'good for all debts public and private' when once it said redeemable for silver?".

Some say don't question the government - these are extraordinary times. Others say that it's always been this way. Others just want to talk about Brett Favre. Sigh.

My question to you is - how does the revolution begin?

Known by my bank teller as nzsvz9 with a $2 billion check

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#22) On November 06, 2009 at 2:06 PM, PeteysTired (< 20) wrote:

I wonder if this balance sheet exists in Ben's drawer somewhere under his bottle of Pepto and a box of tissues:Ben’s Notes:  This is the stuff I can remember for now.

Federal Reserve Balance Sheet (the real one):

$5b Cash ' this number should be reports as a constant so the good people don’t think I am printing.
$5t  Subprime Mortgages  'I don't think these are worth anything, but bought ‘em anyways
$10t Credit Default Swaps ‘What the heck are these things anyways
$500b Tarp Backfill  ‘Stupid Bush, I told him I had it covered and then he lets Congress pass that bill Accounts Receivables:
$50t Foreign Central Banks  ‘I am not sure they will pay us back, but they promised to buy Treasuries
Asset Totals: $65.505t

$10t US Central Banks  ‘Make sure this number reconciles with our member banks
Owners Equity:
$55.505t  ?   ‘Not sure what to call this line item but debits must equal credits
Liabilities and Owners Equity Total: $65.505t


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#23) On November 06, 2009 at 3:22 PM, jddubya (< 20) wrote:

Excellent strategy, but, wait a sec... I think I missed something here... don't you have to factor in something related to actually paying back the loan?  Your net gain I suspect could be much less -

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#24) On November 06, 2009 at 4:01 PM, chk999 (99.96) wrote:

Well in that case your only option is to buy physical gold and wait for the collapse.

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#25) On November 06, 2009 at 4:11 PM, CFOTOCEO (60.62) wrote:

Loved it!  Very humorous.  Someone has got to pay, With little coming in to the Treasury, a falling dollar, bailouts and the war what recovery we have will be shattered with inflation.  Cheap money is not always the smart money, one would think we would have learned our lesson with what took place in the credit and housing markets.

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#26) On November 06, 2009 at 4:16 PM, catoismymotor (< 20) wrote:

Thomas Jefferson said the state must not be allowed to do what is illegal for a private citizen with regard to torture. I think it should also be applied to these kinds of shinanigans.

BTW: I wet to DC for my check and I was handed a Margaritaville Machine instead.

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#27) On November 12, 2009 at 12:17 PM, Evlampius (< 20) wrote:

yah banks borrow @ 0% and lend it to you @ 5%  leverage it 5-6 times you get 25-30% return. thus the big bonuses for participating banks. Nothing new - and its only available to big institution. 

..and its not a joke. Fed is suppose to be a lender of last resort.

and by the way for you don't even understand what you've just said because you are "to borrow" from the fed so for 30 years @ 0% will still require a payment back which is $1bil / 30 = that is 33 million dollars.  So yeah now you have to put up some extra cash to pay your loan right?

there are only 3 ways you should retire with your case - 1. if you're a retard. 2. if you have an access to a printing press. 3. or both 1 and 2


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#28) On November 23, 2009 at 9:56 AM, DaretothREdux (50.88) wrote:


You should write up The Real Fed Balance Sheet  as a blog. That's hysterical.


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