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OneStarHero (< 20)

I AM STILL AWESOME, BUT IT IS NO LONGER OFFICIAL

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June 12, 2007 – Comments (29)

As if I needed more proof that the Internet/world is out to get me, CAPS has turned on me.  Yes, I know what you're thinking, how could I, the financial genius, go from "One Day Hottest Player" to among the worst on the site?  Well it's mostly the massive conspiracy against me, but I'll admit that some of my picks did go south.  This has led to my latest epiphany:  The S&P 500 is unbeatable.  I made the best possible picks, and even I couldn't do it.  My advice is to just give up.

Therefore, I suggest everyone take their money out of the market, and invest it in something actually worth your time and money.  I'm doing this with my own retirement account, and I'll share with you my top 3 investment strategies:

1.  Lottery Tickets.  Most people don't win the lottery because they don't do the math, and they don't put enough money into it.  PowerBall, for example, has 6 balls numbered 1-55.  According to my calculations, I have a 1 / (6 * 55) = 1 in 330 chance of winning.  Now, this might seem like bad odds, but if I buy 100 $1 tickets for every drawing, I should hit the $50 million jackpot after 4 or 5 tries!  That's a pretty good return on a $400 investment.

2.  Nigerian Financial Opportunities.  This one is somewhat of a hard investment to get into, because you need to be contacted by someone from Nigeria to get started (Nigerian Foreign Interest League Chairman Dr. Richard Umtabe contacted me personally through email).  That's the hard part though, after that all you have to do is sit back and watch the cash roll in.  Apparently, there is a lot of red tape involved in the Nigerian banking system, so they will pay a lot to have an American investor help them out with bank transfers.  I've already sent them my banking information and paid the small transfer setup fee (more Nigerian red tape), so it looks like this investment is about to pay off big for me.  There's even talk that I might get to fly to Nigeria to meet them personally!

3.  Prayer.  This is one of the best investment strategies, because you can get started with literally no money.  As with any investment, diversification is important.  I would suggest praying to several gods and/or goddesses to really increase your heavenly cashflow.  My advice is to stay away from praying to any evil or satanic entities, however, because you may end up in a "be careful what you wish for" situation.  Evil forces (genies especially) tend to grant your wish, but with some sort of ironic twist.  This turns out to be more of a hassle than its worth, because you usually end up having to use the last wish to cancel out all of the previous wishes.

Just think about how much money is sitting there, waiting for you to grab it with these three simple investment strategies.  You too could be living the good life in Nigeria.  That's it for now, so get out there and find some creative investments!

29 Comments – Post Your Own

#1) On June 13, 2007 at 8:55 AM, devoish (98.87) wrote:

Unofficially awesome Onestarhero,

You left out meeting and marrying a wealthy celebrity, or athlete. With so many around and new ones being promoted every day, it is almost a sure thing to find love and wealth in the same basket.

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#2) On June 13, 2007 at 12:55 PM, FoolishChemist (98.50) wrote:

I found a great investment opportunity to help out an Australian woman, Cath Wood, raise $2.75 million to buy land to build a circus training camp.

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#3) On June 15, 2007 at 12:18 AM, hhasia (61.66) wrote:

So.. where are the comments on China?  I can't wait. .. Time to brush my teeth.. don't want colgate to go belly up for PG.

HH 

 

 

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#4) On June 15, 2007 at 1:21 PM, Loychster (98.08) wrote:

Your are still officially awesome, CAPS just doesn't understand true greatness. It is actually CAPS fault, not yours. I myself am investing heavily with several Nigerian senior officials. It seems that I am a trusted confidant of the Nigerian government.

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#5) On June 18, 2007 at 2:49 PM, star60629 (< 20) wrote:

Yes I agree on one thing prayer.Nigerian scheme. Yes these Nigerian kwaks have contacted me also they take your money and disappear i hear. Lottery stacks the odds against you by taking their cut.

Its very simple how to beat the s&p I was scoring in the 20s until I picked up some terrible biotechs losing money like crazy,with no forseeable future(one star or unrated]..Pigs waiting to get slaughtered . Then I checked what the highest score per pick guys were buying,careful to do dd looking at book value,charts,earning(lowpe best]message boards ,five stars etc.

Finally here is the easy way,I started shorting bond funds- the short term muni bond funds are the worst performers. I was at about 90 until i started doing this.Bonds underperform. Guess what Im up to about 99 now.You can pick great stocks on here but beating the house(S&P)is hard  Bonds(esp short term) rarely outperform the s&p other than that luck helps and a few big gainers.

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#6) On June 18, 2007 at 9:08 PM, OneStarHero (< 20) wrote:

star60629:

Here is my summary of your post:  Blah blah blah bookvalue blah blah blah bonds blah blah blah.  That's all just wallstreet gibberish that the fatcats on easy street have been feeding you.

Really, you're just proving my point.  You started doing good when you picked that stocks wouldn't beat the S&P.  You know why that works?  Because no stock ever beats the S&P!  Sure your picks would be good if you could somehow make money when stocks go down, but that's unpossible.

What I find most offensive, though, is your suggestion that the my Nigerian investment plan and my lottery strategies are somehow "schemes" or "scams".  This could not be furthur from the truth.  I've actually started playing the Nigerian lottery recently, which should double my profits.  We'll see who's laughing when I'm sipping sobo in Abeokuta!  It will be me!  I'll be the one who's laughing! Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

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#7) On June 21, 2007 at 5:13 PM, Persuter (82.19) wrote:

 Be careful with the diversification of prayer. Like Buffett said, diversification is only good if you don't know what you're doing. As I'm sure we all know, there's only One True God, and He doesn't like diversification of prayer.

 Also, more importantly, He has a nasty habit of sticking His chosen people in hellholes like Egypt, Israel, Saudi Arabia, and even Utah. I think this is likely why your otherwise foolproof plan ends with you living in Nigeria.

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#8) On June 22, 2007 at 5:47 AM, foolsMeThrice (99.59) wrote:

the only time the odds in lotto are in your favor is when the pot is really really big.  But the problem is that you need to buy every combination of ticket, something not physically possible, and even then your only gauranteing yourself 30%.  After being taxed you'd lose.  Might as well give to charity.  Definately good for laughs.  Your strategies epitomize the name of the web site.  If you want mega returns. I'll quant trade your money on the Hong Kong stock market through a totally automated system and you'll easily see 2000% return in one year. That market is resonating similarly to the US market back in the 90's.  A shot with far better odds than having faith in your nigerian buddies.

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#9) On June 22, 2007 at 11:47 AM, Haise (58.10) wrote:

I'm not sure who's funnier... OneStarHero or the people who are taking him seriously. :)

You are joking, right?

What we really need is ETFs in which one could invest in several hundred Nigerian opportunities or spread your bet -- I mean, investment -- across every Powerball in the country.

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#10) On June 22, 2007 at 1:25 PM, sciencebzzt (81.93) wrote:

YOU ARE AWESOME

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#11) On June 22, 2007 at 2:00 PM, TMFBostnbirdy (90.95) wrote:

On a recent day off, I watched one of those court shows (Judge Judy or someone equally spastic), and a woman was suing her sister because of a London Lottery payoff gone wrong.  They sent their $10,000 to the UK and never saw the winnings. 

 They must have done something wrong, though. Why would the London Lottery rip them off?  

And those fabulous Nigerians.  I've received more than one offer, so if anyone needs one, let me know.  I think it's one per person.  ;)

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#12) On June 22, 2007 at 3:44 PM, iLikePie (63.38) wrote:

Holy crap, these people whe take this guy seriously and tell him that his lottery ideas are wrong or that the "One True God" won't like his prayer ideas.....this just cracks me up.  These are little things called "jokes."  Google it, you'll find OneStarHero is just messing around.

Personally, I laughed pretty hard reading his blog post!  Good stuff!

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#13) On June 22, 2007 at 5:25 PM, badmoonrising (33.08) wrote:

The best one going is the rich widow with terminal cancer and no one to leave all the cash to. I'll sell you the email address for a 20% share.  Just let me know what country you like.  I have about 20 different ones covered.

 

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#14) On June 23, 2007 at 1:14 AM, mgiv (99.73) wrote:

aint nothing like good ole satire

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#15) On June 26, 2007 at 12:33 PM, ez2foome (< 20) wrote:

Hey, don't forget "found money".  I was standing in line at the store one day 35 years ago and I found $20, just lying there on the ground!  I'm working on a system where you could license that into finding ALL the money lying around on floors, lost in the laundry, and lying in the street--or storm drains! what about storm drains?? and under people's car seats and don't forget money people have parked in savings accounts and kids' piggy banks and other places where it's not doing anything but taking up space and pennies in parking lots, and leverage it into a mega-business, well pretty soon you'd be talking about some SERIOUS money.  Here's an opportunity to get in on the ground floor.  You can contact me at imafinderyourealoser.com Let's talk!

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#16) On June 26, 2007 at 9:26 PM, MerryBrandybuck (< 20) wrote:

Dear One Star

I think I understand what the problem is.  You don't need to go to Nigeria.  You just need to start betting down on some stocks.  See the market is down a little recently so you need to move with it.  Especially those which have five stars on CAPS.

Also, I know many investors who made a fortune by betting against the grain so to speak.  So you might try subscribing to one of the Motley Fool"s subscription newsletters.  Then just bet against every pick.  Just think if you had done that with Shufflemaster which is one of the picks in the "Stock Advisor" newsletter you would be up big money right now!  Its way down and has all sorts of accounting troubles.

I know, I know the Gardner brothers have made money in their first five years.  They have done the impossible.  But they have just been lucky--so far.  You know the truth.  In the long term it is impossible to beat the S&P.  Remember what goes up must come down.  After all the housing bubble burst right and so did the tech bubble?  Its the same thing.  The Gardners portfolios are way up which means they are definitely inflated.  I think its about time that they come down.  I just have a gut feeling about that. 

So just remember my advice.

1.  The way up is down.  Pick down

2.  Contrarian=Money.  Pick only five star stocks to go down.

3.  Pick against the experts.  Especially those that are up like the Gardners.  After all take a look at such Wall Street experts like KBW.  All experts have to come down.

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#17) On July 01, 2007 at 8:58 PM, dwot (99.87) wrote:

Hey, you forgot to pick all stocks with P/E's over 1000.  The bigger the number the bigger they will get.  If you can find one with a P/E of 10,000 even better.

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#18) On July 05, 2007 at 2:04 PM, timb06 (99.11) wrote:

I think your strategy of picking only one star stocks is the best thing going! You can't lose with that strategy. I believe that the reason your score is so low is that some of your one star stocks have become 2 star stocks and you haven't ended the picks. Ending those picks will help to catapult your score!

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#19) On July 08, 2007 at 8:13 PM, NuclearElvis (< 20) wrote:

Want to beat the S&P? Try switching to the "Undiversified Portfolio" and only put your money in one stock at a time.  It's more fun than Vegas, and has better odds than the Lottery.  It's so much simpler also- you only need to check on one quote at any time!  I would not recommend a Nigerian stock for this strategy, however.

NE

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#20) On September 12, 2007 at 10:43 AM, rudolphsteiner (20.99) wrote:

Of course there is only One True God, I agree with Persuter entirely and those who oppose us risk being smitten by His noodly appendage. 

"We have evidence that a Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe. None of us, of course, were around to see it, but we have written accounts of it. We have several lengthy volumes explaining all details of His power. Also, you may be surprised to hear that there are over 10 million of us, and growing. We tend to be very secretive, as many people claim our beliefs are not substantiated by observable evidence. What these people don’t understand is that He built the world to make us think the earth is older than it really is. For example, a scientist may perform a carbon-dating process on an artifact. He finds that approximately 75% of the Carbon-14 has decayed by electron emission to Nitrogen-14, and infers that this artifact is approximately 10,000 years old, as the half-life of Carbon-14 appears to be 5,730 years. But what our scientist does not realize is that every time he makes a measurement, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is there changing the results with His Noodly Appendage. We have numerous texts that describe in detail how this can be possible and the reasons why He does this. He is of course invisible and can pass through normal matter with ease."

http://www.venganza.org/ 

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#21) On September 12, 2007 at 7:40 PM, tranc3 (89.48) wrote:

I wouldn't bank my lunch money on any of those odds my friend. Lottery, Nigeria, prayer? The only thing that might work is Nigeria with its risk-laden economy. But hey, the more risk you take on, the more you expect in return, but that's if you can stomach the risk.

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#22) On October 17, 2007 at 12:54 AM, FleaBagger (98.34) wrote:

tranc3: That whole thing about more risk, more reward just isn't true. Look at DRYS: it has had only one Risk-Star for most of the past year, and it has been nothing but Reward, Reward, Reward! (I capitalized, repeated, and exclaimed it because there has been a lot of it.) It might be time to pare down or pull out, though, because it has moved up to two Risk-Stars. It is no longer for the faint of heart.

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#23) On October 29, 2007 at 7:45 PM, GS751 (28.23) wrote:

The nigerian one is the funniest I just deleted one of those emails in my inbox.

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#24) On December 07, 2007 at 9:39 PM, JMB21 (< 20) wrote:

I think you should become the markets analyst on the Colbert Report.

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#25) On December 08, 2007 at 2:52 AM, zygnoda (26.80) wrote:

I read this a while ago... anyway, I think it is awesome.   Congrats on having the funniest blog post I've seen. 

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#26) On January 14, 2008 at 12:09 AM, FleaBagger (98.34) wrote:

You haven't said anything in months, OneStarHero. Are you dead? If so, just post me a comment on my blog, and I'll write a eulogy for you. You shouldn't go nonremembered.

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#27) On June 03, 2008 at 1:44 PM, binv271828 (< 20) wrote:

LOL!. Man, this just made my day.
Sorry I didn't find out about you sooner.

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#28) On August 19, 2008 at 4:36 PM, greenwave3 (69.74) wrote:

Nice post. ROTFL!

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#29) On June 18, 2009 at 11:27 AM, TMFBabo (100.00) wrote:

I'm about 2 years late to this post, but I found it hilarious.  Pick some new stocks and make some more pitches!

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