If Pres. Obama was a STOCK on Wall Street
Maureen Dowd, "Good Morning and welcome to the OBAMA corporation Q4 earnings report and full 2009 annual report. If you would like to ask a question during our Q/A portion please press STAR 2 and you will be placed in the Queue in the order it was received. Now, here's our C.E.O. Pres. Obama to report on our Earnings and later CFO Howard Dean will report on expectations for 2010."
Pres. Obama, "Uhhh... Good Morning everyone...First...Let me just say that there will be no Safe Harbor Clauses necessary.... I mean.. What risk? There's no risk here...It's full speed ahead on my Hope and Change mobile that my tenure as C.E.O. has brought to the company.... As you know...uhhh... My predecessor has given our company a great big debt that I had to fix....and uhhhh...sales were down last year as well because of my predecessor...uhh....So if sales are waaaaaay down this year.....it's uhhhh...also because of him...."
"With that said....I am glad to report that my debt has only Quadrupled from all of the Loans I took during this year.... This uhhhh clearly beats Analyst expectations for a quintupling of my Company's Debt..... Thankfully...it's less than that.....
However, there is more work my company needs to do to eventually generate a profit. Or at least bring my company's balance sheet to dead even.... Uhhhhhh And to bring myself out of debt, that too is important.. So, here is what I propose... My company will borrow another $300 billion loan from Bank of America and spend it in much the same fashion as we did with our earlier $700 billion loan from Citigroup....Spas, Jacuzzis, Lap Dances in Vegas...important stuff you know...
Now I know this has not yet generated 1 single job..or saved anyone's job at the Obama Corp.....Afterall, I layed off 2/3rds of our workforce just last week... You know...uhh...to make ends meet.....somewhere....Well, actually...Bank of America and Citigroup have ordered that I do something about my DEBT and punishing my employees seemed the wisest move to make!
And...uhh....to get my company's sales numbers up we must spend spend spend....Takes spending money to eventually make money. I am sure we can return to growth after I REMODEL my HOME and buy a company HELICOPTER... These things are of course very important to my company's future....uhhhhh..... And uhhhhhh All paid for through the aforementioned LOANS....
Oh and uhhhhh I am slashing everyone's salary...except my own....here at my company.... My salary will still be HIGH as it always is..... but everyone is going to have to make a sacrifice.... So I am initiating a Salary Limit Cap at $10,000 a year....Also stripping out $500 million dollars out of our Health Benefits/Retirement packages.
Now..uhhhhh EARNINGS PER SHARE this quarter..were....uhm.....negative 2100% year over year at -$12 trillion per share. But this spending was necessary to stimulate my company.
My Revenues were for this quarter....Negative $30.7 billion... an improvement although slight from last quarter due to a better than expected Trade Deficit.... Maybe that's why NORWAY sent me that #1 Large Cap C.E.O of the year Award before I was officially the C.E.O. back in
Now... Howard Dean our CFO will go over my 2010 expectations."
Howard Dean, "Well, before you all dump your shares by the opening bell I'll have you know that 2010 is going to be a great year... Investors should keep holding their shares straight through the inevitable Chapter 11 bankruptcy....to occur sometime whenever Bank of Ameria and Citigroup stop bailing us out with more Loans. Now back to you Maureen Dowd for the Q/A portion!!"
Maureen Dowd, "Well..actually..there will be no Q/A.. This earnings report is a CLOSED to SHAREHOLDERS earnings report..... This was decided in order to generate the most Transparent Company ever! Transparency is key to a prosperous and accountable future for our business!
Thank you and good bye!"