Invest in Heroin?
Heroin is a ton of fun. It really takes the edge off. My buddies and I like to shoot up at least once or twice a day. The more you get into your system the better you feel. We used to have rules when we first started doping.
Rule #1: Never inject more than 1/100th of what it would take to kill you.
Of course, this was mostly a guessing game and sometimes we would overshoot by a little. Still, though, as long as we kept our doping to a minimum and followed the rules we managed to function as well as your average junkie. But our tolerance started to build… we started to get the itch for a longer and bigger rush. We bought and manufactured more pure stuff. We leveraged our risk even higher. 1/10th became the new base standard.
A couple of the guys got a little out of control. They started focusing more and more on purity and stopped caring about the rules. Three guys in particular, Bac Lehman and Aig Lehman (We called them the Lehman Brothers) and a guy named Citi started to get really out of control.
Everyday was a search for dope of a higher purity, and everyday they pushed the limits further and further…
One day my Uncle Samuel came by with his twins Freddie and Fannie and wanted to participate. Uncle Sam was a multi-billionaire (it was like the guy printed his own money), and so he only bought the best stuff for Freddie and Fannie.
Well, Freddie and Fannie hadn’t spent years building up a tolerance like the rest of us, and when they tried the really pure stuff (upon Uncle Sam’s insistence that they only have the best), they were both shocked into comas. Uncle Samuel was saddened by this, but he had plenty of money and they received the best care a person can have in a vegetable state (lots of sunshine and water?).
Meanwhile Uncle Sam got to know the boys pretty well. He put little Pauly in charge of his finances, and he let Old Ben (who everyone called Helicopter) run his business. Naturally, business boomed and more and more people became addicted to heroin. As long as business was growing Uncle Sam looked the other way. He even changed the rules so that people could inject themselves at a 9/10th chance of dying.
Everyone was flying high, man. Until one day, all the boys got their hands on some really pure stuff called housing and everyone went wild on the juice. All bets were off.
The Lehman Brothers took way too much and were both dead before Uncle S. knew what happened. He never really cared for the Brothers though, at least, not like he cared for Citi…
Citi got really sick. Uncle S. was no doctor though and he didn’t really know what to do. He actually didn’t know any good doctors. He knew a bunch of junkies and addicts, so he gathered the smartest ones together and they came up with a plan.
They decided that what Citi needed, and the others who were sick (including Freddie and Fannie who were still comatose) was to not quit juicing because some of them had tried to stop before and they got the shakes and had bad dreams and threw up a lot... trying to quit was insanely hard.
Besides, if they were to take everyone off the juice people might not be as happy as they were on the juice, people might have to go back to leading drug free lives, and happiness would have to be achieved from hard work, instead of easy heroin.
So, instead of stopping, or even easing everyone off the heroin as some doctors might recommend, instead, of using some sort of heroin substitute to slow the pain and suffering of the overly-addicted druggies…
Instead, Pauly and Old Ben decided to up the juice. They made heroin free for every addict! The got out the biggest d&mn syringes they could find and filled them with the purist of the pure, and simultaneous stuck the needles into every addict (even the one’s barely alive under the 99/100th rule) and filled them with heroin ten times what any normal human could take.
Disclosure: This blog has been brought to you by The Partnership for A Drug Addicted America.