Laws For Fools
Being from Sacramento, California, I have learned that practically any idea, no matter how strange and obscure the reasoning, has a chance to make it to the legislature. It is also my hope that some of our presidential candidates might pick up one of my ideas.
So I have composed a few laws and declarations that cover areas of concern that may have been overlooked by the average citizen. While not all of my suggestions will find favor with everyone, I feel I must remind the reader that, like all governments, I didn't write these laws for YOU, I wrote these laws for ME.
The Pornography Liberation Act
I have learned from my legal sources that clicking on porn websites for 8 hours or more each day can reasonably be construed as "the pursuit of happiness" which may have constitutional protection. With this in mind, the government should provide free pornographic websites to all citizens. I propose that about 200 porn websites be created and managed under the guidance of the judiciary. The Supreme Court can easily run this one out of the basement of the courthouse, and I feel that having such an august body of men and women in control would assure the highest quality. Our judges have often stated that they "Can't define pornography, but know it when I see it" and with this in mind, I think we will have a high level of quality control, so we won't get that soft-core Playboy Channel nonsense and only get the good stuff.
Rich White Guy Day
I can't think of a more abused minority than rich white guys. In recognition of this misunderstood minority, I propose that "Rich White Guy Day" be a national holiday. In keeping with respect to rich white guy traditions and customs, only rich white guys will get the day off to play some golf, while the rest of the people must work.
Senior Alcohol Supplemental Security Act
It has come to my attention that senior citizens on fixed incomes have had to reduce the quality of their alcohol intake. Indeed, some of our seniors have been seen consuming Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, which is unconscionable in a modern affluent society. I propose a "Wine Of The Month" club for seniors. Each month eligible seniors will receive a bottle of quality wine, nothing too expensive, maybe a 2005 Bramosia Chianti Classico or a 2003 Duo Sauvignon Blanc. Did I mention that wine is heart healthy? Well it is, so we can just tuck this one in the Medicare budget and not talk about it.
Three Stooges Monument
There are many contributers to the cultural heritage of the United States, but few as powerful as The Three Stooges. We propose a national monument on the scale of Mount Rushmore. Let's put it in Utah, to break up the monotony of that desolate region.
Duct Tape For Parents Act
It's pretty obvious that parents are no longer able to control their children. What I suggest is a tax subsidy for parents. Duct tape has long been called the "Babysitters Best Friend" and should be available to parents at a subsidized cost. Let us allow tax credits for these unfortunates.
Jimmy Dean Pancake And Sausage On A Stick Initiative
Jimmy Dean full-flavored sausage inside a sweet pancake covering - it's fun on a stick. Just pop these sweet treats in the microwave for less than 2 minutes and you'll have a hearty breakfast or snack that's not only filling but easy to eat and enjoy. These should be provided to every school child, every day. And even though I am a shareholder of the parent company, Sara Lee, I am not letting that influence my opinion. America owes it to the young people.