My own bailout plan! The revised version. This one is targeted.
OK, my first bailout plan would definitely have worked, but I've realized that Mr Market has totally panicked and needs more assurances. This time I'm going to give a very detailed explanation of how to fix everything. I'll first state the problems and then the solutions. If you don't have a sense of humor, read no further. You'll just get upset and want to sue me. I have everything I own invested in the stock market, and my only hope is to get 1 of you to sue my negative net-worth behind and then get rich by counter-suing for emotional distress and discrimination based on my PDPD syndrome. (Post Dramatic Portfolio Drop)
My original Bailout Plan is here. If you think it would have worked then please REC it. If you don't then please reply at the bottom, so I can use it as evidence against you in the lawsuit.
Problem #1 The politicians! This problem needs to be split into 2 parts. (Current and Future)
Current politicians- Fortunately history has a proven method of revolutionary change in political structure. Kill all the politicians! I prefer the Roman method of having them fight each-other to the death for the amusement of the masses. This can be exploited even further with a modern technology. Pay Per View! In fact we could follow suit with every major sporting institution and create our own channel and force it on the Cable companies! If they balk at the $3 billion price tag per company, we just threaten to look into their customer service records. See, I just put about $33 billion in the public coffers without increasing taxes or raising the deficit! ($53 Billion if I can force it on the cell phone companies as content, they have poor customer service records as well). Another $150 billion could be made in merchandising.The real money would be in the gambling profits, but I'm saving that part for later. Also the website, PDM.com, (Political Death Match) may add even more to the coffers. If we run out of politicians, we just throw in some investment bankers, hedge fund managers and TV analysts into the mix. I'm thinking the shows where we throw the AIG guys that partied hardy after the taxpayers saved their hides would be pretty popular. We would obviously hire the WWF as theatrical consultants.
Future politicians- The market seems afraid no matter who winds up in office, so I've taken it upon myself to alleviate your concerns. From now on, all debates require the candidates to be hooked up to lie detectors. You can then text your vote to the US government on who you think won each debate. In fact this year, the entire election will be done by text. The winner gets to live and be President, but has to wear a lie detector for his entire term in office. We could get that host from the failed lie detector game show!
Problem #2 The Loans! Again I'm gonna split this up into some groups. Bad Banks, Bad Mortgage Companies, Bad Insurers, Bad Home Buyers, and Bad Markets.
Bad Markets- I'm just gonna concentrate on 3, but my plan can easily be extended.
California- Hear me out on this, but I'm thinking the best solution is to sell California to China. Think of it as a reverse Hong Kong. Most Chinese goods come into California ports already! I'm guessing that we could get $500 billion right there! ($600 billion if we agree to keep Ed Begley Jr and $1 trillion if we agree to keep Michael Moore. I personally think it's worth 400 billion to get rid of Michael Moore, but if it's a deal breaker, we could probably make a billion throwing him into the death match and another $50 billion hooking him up to a lie detector and forcing him to discuss his movies. I'm getting off point here though! The point is that if we combine 2 extremes, we just might end up with a rational entity. Anybody that's lived in CA and paid $5.00 for a gallon of milk because of the studies of emotional stress of our bovine population will tell you that we may have went too far. Anybody that lives in China will tell you that they'll dump toxic waste in milk if it makes it look like it has more protein. Look at the views on labor, human rights, basically everything! You'll agree with me that it's a karma thing and both cultures were meant to combine. Not to mention that the certain internet censure from China will keep the California rational from spreading to the rest of the U.S.
Nevada- Nevada has hit a slump because people understand that their still in a desert and they are running out of crimes to make legal to pacifate them. Political Death Match and the gambling that goes with it should sustain Nevada growth for the next Decade. Estimated boost ($800 billion).
Florida- This one is a more complex problem, but fear not, I have the solution. First the Snow Birds, they are older than dirt and they have 2 homes. The solution there is, "pick one", the government will help you keep one, but 2 is a luxury, and we get the added benefit of lower car insurance as motorists don't have to deal with you driving 15 miles per hour on a major interstate on your semi-annual commute. Second, people keep over-paying for homes built on what used to be alligator infested swamp land. The solution to that is what I'd like to call the reality pole. Every Florida resident will be required to drive a 4x4 post in the center of their back yard. Every week they have to hang 6 whole chickens from the local supermarket on that post. Once they lose the family dog and a couple of kids to gator attacks, they'll have a more realistic view of the value of their property. And last but not least, I need to boost the Floridian economy. I'm gonna kill 2 birds with 1 stone here, part of the current economic crisis is because of the naked dollar and the fact that it isn't backed by a commodity. Most people would assume the government would purchase gold or another precious metal to back the dollar, but that move has already been anticipated and may not have the intended effect. The same could be said about oil and that higher oil prices would actually hurt the economy. The answer came to me in an Eddie Murphy movie. "Frozen concentrated Orange Juice" (probably another $200 billion here)
Bad Home Buyers- Again I'll split this up.
Unverified income - Compare the tax form for the year they bought the house to the stated income on the application. The government will subsidize the difference in $100 monthly increments. For every $100 the government pays, you're required to house and feed a homeless person rent free. ($30 billion in cost savings for homeless shelters)
Jumbos- The government paper used to rescue these people will be called "MINIS" (Municiple Insurance Needed to Intercept Stupidity) We haven't spent any government money so far and I'm not about to do it now. What we do is force the banks to write these people a 50 year loan with the same monthly payments that they had before. If that isn't enough to pay the mortgage, then make it a 75 year loan, with part of the payment going to a life insurance policy for the bank. Congratulations homeowner! You bit off more than you can chew! Now take 75 years to swallow it! BTW, about $5.60 of your $1,100 monthly mortgage payment is going towards equity. (No cost to the government)
Arms- I liked the play on words for the last solution, so this one will be called "LEGS" (Legally Enabling Government Sanity) Your paycheck goes directly to the government. We'll pay your mortgage, but the amount we give to you to pay the rest of your bills will vary randomly. The only thing you can count on is that we're gonna hit you hard at Christmas time because it's funny and you need to learn a lesson. (We'll force the banks to take what we give them, so again this shouldn't cost the government anything.)
Bad mortgage Insurers- This is the first government expenditure, and I'm estimating about 37 post cards at about 23 cents a piece. The first 36 will go to the current insurers saying, "My condolences on your government takeover and impending bankruptcy." The 37th will go to Warren Buffet, saying, "All the other guys that were supposed to be able to analyze risk, crashed and burned, but the race-track is wide open now." Estimated cost: ( $8.51)
Bad Mortgage companies- Explain to them as you would a 4 yr old that lying is bad. Show them the lie detector test from the political debate and the political death match. Explain to them that you are making a ton of money on your forced cable channel and that your going after mortgage brokers when you run out of polititicians.
Bad Banks- Explain to them that you'll bail-out every bad mortgage that they have since they automatically qualify for over-draft protection. We'll just charge them 10 percent of the $35 a day that they charge their depositors for each bad loan we bail out. Estimated extra revenue for government (Is Googlezillion a word?) I'd also like to spend a little government money here to send each Bank's CEO a $7 toaster made in Chinafornia.
Problem #3 Public fear of the market and economic stability.
Solution- 400 million postcards at 12 cents a piece. (Yeah I know, but we get them cheaper now that we buy them in bulk from Chinafornia)
" Dear citizen, the government has come into a Googlezillion dollars. Our experts are working hard trying to figure out just how much money that is. In the mean time we think that we have enough money to pay the bills for a while. We'd be happy to forget about your next tax bill if you show us that you invested at least that much in stocks this year. We'll probably do this every year until we run out of the money we made due to public stupidity."