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Secret Features of the new Apple Tablet Revealed

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January 12, 2010 – Comments (1)

As you all know, we Motley Fool analysts have a ton of secret, insider information sent to us by industry moles. Following the  recent, lame announcements at CES, an Apple research intern, in great danger of losing his job, sent me some choice information on the upcoming apple tablet. Here are a few of the key features in the works: 

* Will run a specialized version of safari optimized for keyboardless data entry.

* Standard, Poke-a-mole gaming ap utilizes multi-touch interface to let you poke virtual moles back into their virtual holes.

* Will run a specialized version of safari that will accept keyboard entry from people who get sick of tedious, tablet-entry and buy the add-on keyboard.

* iFinger, digit-based writing recognition system capitalizes on fact that styluses are for lame chumps, the kind who keep their Palm Pilots in belt holsters. (12 characters per screen = average data entry capacity for chubby american fingers.)

* Will have a dedicated YouTube application for quick access to latest video of people getting seriously injured while trying to look cool in a video. Uses onboard video camera to automatically record and upload response video of you laughing at that 11 year-old girl getting brained by her closet door.

* Will come loaded with special iRead software that allows the imprinting of entire e-texts into viewer retinas via the backlit LCD screen.

* Optional iPaper books are available for $5.99 to $20.99, allowing e-texts to be read in sunlight, after the batteries are dead, and while waiting for the tablet to boot itself up.

* Special iRidge will allow hot-running machine to grill flapjacks next to scrambled eggs without getting yucky egg stuff on the flapjacks.

* Comes with iViscerate, a new ap that can automatically steal a liver, kidneys, spleen, pancreas, and other organs  from passing hobos.

* Comes with iBuprofen, useful for getting rid of the neck aches associated with keeping ones neck craned to watch video and surf the inernet on tablet-devices laying flat on desktops or sitting in your lap.

* Optional iChill undershorts keep the tablet from frying up your junk after a long session of running video in your lap.

* Pins your wimpy little iPhone and iPod to the floor when you're not looking, and gives the little wusses iTappers, sometimes followed by a trip to the toilet for an iSwirlie.

* Reassures everyone  in Starbucks, or on train or airplane, that you are not one of those unemployed losers, or some PC jerk who's afraid to borrow a few hundo on the credit card and shell out for another data plan.

* New video version of iFart Mobile included.

* iMirror mode turns screen into functioning mirror with simple shake motion, letting you check out your iSpecs and your gelled up iFro (or pony tail).

* Runs special iTificial Intelligence ap which allows the tablet to enjoy your ceaseless caress, eventually  ensuring that the tablet loves you back.

 

 

1 Comments – Post Your Own

#1) On January 12, 2010 at 3:58 PM, USNHR (32.66) wrote:

As you all know, we Motley Fool analysts have a ton of secret, insider information sent to us by industry moles.

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Beware the SEC...

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