As many of you may have noticed, I am an avid and opinionated reader of your blogs. You all have taught me alot and helped to save me from losing money during this economic downturn (which is what you call a recession before you call it a recession). I usually do not weigh in unless I feel I have something useful or thoughtful to contribute, but have in this instance decided to make an exception. In recent weeks I have noticed a decidedly depressed turn to your already depressed outlooks toward the financial condition of this great country. Because you are depressed and concerned about money, I must presume you and your friends are having trouble finding funding for your zoloft. It doubly concerns me as this is springtime, and really you all should be feeling cheerful and horny.
I also notice that you all are concerned about our Great Financial Leaders ability to guide us through these troubled times. An understandable concern as they have guided us into these troubled times. In recent weeks Sheila Bair, Ben Bernanke, GW Bush, Henry Paulson and all manner of Congresscritters have weighed in with solutions to our troubled times. And let me just take a second here to thank the Fool who shared the wonderfully descriptive term Congresscritters with us. While these Great Leaders have discussed and tried, and applied their Higher Educations (except GWB who is I think is just higher) to the problem, You all seem to feel they have fallen short and I must agree with your learned opinions.
My unique background of a High School education, and having read some child rearing psychology books and your blogs combined with my experience in auto repair where I spent years finding and fixing problems gives me an outlook toward financial issues which will help me find the problem and fix this situation that seems to you financial people to be hopelessly complicated. Therefore I will apply my considerable time and effort, by which I mean this post, to help out and Solve Everything.
Let me begin by finding the problem. Our Great Financial Leaders identify the problem as acronyms and funny sounding words such as CDO's, Alt-A's and tranches. One can easily see that this is not the problem as acronyms have been around banking for years and even the names of banks have morphed into acronyms such as HSBC and ING and C. Some suggest that a lack of lending standards is the problem, but when have banks ever been known to have any standards at all? No, a change from tradition has caused these troubles. Simply put, the banks have an emptiness in their very being. A hollow place in their souls that men fill with love and banks fill with money. The banks had run out of money, and having run out of money, tried to run to each other for money and realized that since all the banks were running for money that they had better not run out any more money or this would cause a run on banks or even a run on sentence. Confused by all the acronyms, our Great Financial Leaders tried to solve the problem by filling the hole with more acronyms such as TAF. But acronyms are just junk food for banks and hold no real nourishment. The banks deepest emotional need is to collect money, find money, get money, move money, count money, get kinky with money, but this is a public forum and I probably should not describe in detail what else I can imagine banks might do with money. Only RICK's really knows so let me return to Solving the Banks Problems. By the way, did you notice how I just downsized my promise from Solving Everything to Solving the Banks Problems? I learned that from listening to GWB discuss Solving Iraq. Also, if you were reading in the hope for any help with marital, emotional, teenager, weight or car problems, you may as well go to bed now as none will be forthcoming. Don't act so upset with me, your dissapointment is your fault for believing everything you read on the web. I'm not dumb enough to believe tax cuts or mechanics can Solve Everything, you are the one reading this as though you expect there will be some great rele... reve... revelation.
Anyway back to the solution. As I have told you the banks are heartbroken from not having money, and found our Great Leaders solutions unsatisfying (as have we all) and became depressed and do not want to play anymore. They have found some small solace in the handouts from our Great Leaders, but banks are carnivores and need to hunt and kill. And so what is missing is prey.
There are two types of people in this world (a theory which makes solutions much easier), people who are good at collecting money whom we call The Rich, and people who are good at spending money, whom we call The Poor. Over the years as they gained more experience, each of these groups became better and better at what they were doing until one day it was discovered that both groups had attained a beautiful perfection and it was noticed that The Poor had finished spending everything and The Rich had finished collecting everything. Rather than let the game end The Rich gave money to The Poor in the hope of continuing the game of collecting money but The Rich found that collecting their own money back was unfulfilling because they seemed to be getting less and less back, although The Poor did not seem to have any problem as long as they had bigger televisions. So The Rich tried to play the game with our Great Leaders, but that was only fun as long as Cramer was crying and begging on TV and it was fun until that episode was seen enough times by everyone and Cramer was completely embarassed. After everyone had a good laugh, emptiness returned.
As I have so eloquently shown, our Great Leaders need to solve the problem of satisfying the banks need to feel good about their carnivorous instincts by succesfully hunting prey. In order to do that the prey must be restored to the wilderness. For some reason I feel you should notice the influence of the environmental blogs that I read in that solution. In the first sentence of this paragraph you should also notice that I have passed on my responsibility of Solving Everything to our Great Leaders by telling you what they need to do. GW Bush calls this technique "Giving it to the Democrats".
Simply put our Great Leaders need to send up some legislation that Bush can sign. They have the tools. It has been shown that they can print money as neccessary and deliver it to banks or through rebates as they feel good about. They can set a minimum wage as they see fit. Simply combine these abilities into one superpowered, multifaceted, revved up, rocket powered, Stan Lee creation of Financial Freedom For all. First, set the minimum wage to $40.00 per hour. When business gets upset tell them not to worry, our Great Leaders will pay the wage increase and business must only hire the best employees they can find. After the business's have been drinking and celebrating for three hours tell them you can only pay the first week, and you are sending a check to everyone no matter how poor or how rich, gainfully employed or banker or destitute. Since Everyone gets money Everyone, I am told, gets happy. Then tell the drunken businessmen that with all this new money floating around they will be easily able to raise prices to continue to be able to pay the new minimum wage. They believe anyone who gives them money. Those in trouble and unable to pay their mortgages will suddenly be able to. Homebuilders will have customers who can afford houses again. And the banks will once again be able to believe that they are wise and capable lenders and will look with ravenous eyes upon the herds of prey animals, fattened for the hunt. This plan will only cost $450,000,000,000.00, only twice what has already been promised, and less than 15% of what is expected to be lost.
Surprisingly it is possible that handing a few pigheaded Free Market Capitalists $1600.00 each will not make them happy. Lets face it though, nothing you do for them makes them happy no matter how much you try. It is not like our Great leaders are showing any concern for their Free Market Principles and Propheses of Self Correction anyway.
Oh shout... the Colbert Report is on. Gotta go now. don't thank me I have to go now, see you tomorrow.
What about five years from now when we have the next crisis? Just give the plan a good name so you can sell it again.
Call it Trickle Up.