Urgent Shareholder Action Alert
Dear Shareholders of My CAPS-Portfolio Fund,
We fear that some of you are worried by the fact that our score chart looks like an Inuit grandma leaping from a giant iceberg. We noticed that to. As the Executive Fund Manager and Chief Financial Profiteer, I feel that it is important to provide you with the world-class communication you so richly deserve.
First of all, let me assure you that I feel your pain even I am taking back by how fast we suck in 2008. I'm a winner - as well as a joker, smoker and Midnight Toker who gets his loving on the run. I like to feel good. In order to solve any problem, you have to confront it honestly. So, let's look at three key facts and admire my honesty. Here we go:
Fact: The Market has failed to appreciate roughly 20 out of our last 25 picks since mid November. Some fat cat high up on The Street obviously doesn't like my sense of humor.
Fact: Math is hard. It has come to my attention that a square root is not a vegetable. This mistake wasted valuable time searching farms, and has negatively impacted my financial models, which I'm also told are not traditionally done with Cranium Putty.
Fact: Despite personally interviewing several top CAPS players who told me what to buy, when to buy it, what not to buy, and what to short, I decided to go it alone based on metrics like how much I liked my Chanukah present (a Herman Miller chair, MLHR) and how crowded our foo-foo candyass supermarket was during the holidays (WFMI).
Fact: Even the most blatant piece of Walrus Ass Detritus, ONJP has gone against me.
Toward a solutions-based solution:
Buy What I Know: According to my Sector tab, I've racked up an astonishing 70+ points on restaurant picks. This is because I eat every day, sometimes up to nine or ten times. I eat snacks, meals, appetizers, soup and even things like leftover Halloween candy. I can use a knife, fork and a spork. And during the NFL playoffs I eat Doritos off my chest until I have a "nacho" cheese goatee so repuslive, even my cats dry heave.
Hold Long Enough and It's Bound to Go Up: If I can manage to avoid feelings of low self-esteem, sour grapes and universal loathing, I hope to hold some of these bum nuggets like F and SWA long enough to jump out with 5-point gains and a shred of human dignity.
Blame CAPS: CAPS doesn't work exactly like real life. The best guys bank accuracy and short crap I couldn't short in real-life. I'm not that short even though my mother used to say I was "just a cut above a midget". The best guys made lucky calls like housing was going to crash. No one could have seen that coming. I thought everyone was desperately selling homes on my block because they have something against nude lawn mowing.
In summation, I have decided to cut my take from a pimp-like percentage to something more along the lines of highway robbery. (Think Joe Pesci shooting the pistol through a paper bag as he hijacks a truck in Goodfellas.) And lastly, seriously, please know that I care. That when you hurt, I hurt, just not as much, which is written into the by-laws of my fund.
Very Truly Yours,
H. Wood Daniel,
Executive Director, CFP
The CAPS Portfolio Radical Self-Enrichment At Your Expense Honesty Fund